cruel process

 process is what we are going through to reach our destination. we begin with baby steps and enjoy the process they said. little did i know, sometimes process is quiet evil. they made me fell rock bottom but when i pick myself up, i fell even harder. during all of these processes, ive been positive, ive been negative and ive been in between. like all the time. as the time im writing this, im being negative and the only question in my head is why me. why am i being me? deep down i know that is not the right question to ask.

maybe, or just maybe, im actually in between. im happy but not happy. im negative but im still on the positive side. im grateful but feeling not enough. even i, me myself, i dont know. i hate this but have a little interest in it. its complicated. i am complicated. 

bloom

i am staring at the busy city through my balcony as im typing this. the sound of those cars, motorcycles, ambulance and police do not bother me anymore. i think that im all healed. being able to hear sounds that are not coming from my head is such a blessings. i am that type of a silent girl, i do not speak a lot. before this, i hear too much noise in my head that i cant even focus on the reality. that noise, that sound, that voice that telling me "you are not good enough" "you will fail in everything you do" "you have failed everyone" more or less i would say it has been gone for quite a while now. i do not expect it to come back. never i hope.

being in reality, opened my eyes on how blessed i am in this world. the world itself is not beautiful but how i see it can change it all. everyday i am counting my blessings, for all the things that Allah has provided me with. the things that i have been taking for granted all this while. im grateful for all of them.

im sorry dearself for neglecting you before. for not being able to take care of yourself. for always distrust you. im sorry.

today at this moment, i do not have a proper plan on what to write. i am just feeling so grateful and i think i have to write it out so that when i read this post in the future, i would know that at some point of my life, i have found my true self.

update

i dont know whether my life is better but i love every process of it. i wouldnt say its easy but it is not that hard either. a little bit of everything. yes that is what its kind of sound like. 

A Year Knowing Me

this year, im all by myself. single, yes. (sebelum 2018 lagi dah single) kakya also got married this year. so basically im more single than just single hahah

but, its all good. it is a good time for me to know myself better. i discover more of myself this year. its been so long since i last focus on myself. walk out from a relationship really taught me many things. me myself is more important than i think i was. i gave up in so many things before just to make others happy but i forgot about my own happiness. i thought before, "seeing others happy will make me happy" some are true and some are not. some people are really worth sacrificing for but not all. and there's me saying about all those things but still, i do the same things all over again. sacrifice for people who dont worth it. but i think, thats me. tak asiah la kalau tak gituu hahaha

this year, i discover more about myself. that i like staying single. hahaha although you might saw me whining about being single. no, thats just me being annoying towards my friend. :P saje je nak menyakitkan hati dorang hahaha of course im happy for them. dah jumpa soulmate katanya, pleaseeee tolong doa yang baik-baik untuk diorang hehe

as for me, i believe that Allah have the perfect plan for me. the perfect guy along with the perfect timing will soon come. kadang-kadang ade jugak rasa yang im not good enough for anyone. insecure okay! (after effect of being cheated haha) so for now, im just hoping for the best. i have faith in my creator. He is the best planner of all.

okay setakat tu je! babaiii

p/s : doakan asiah jumpa lelaki soleh yang sayang dia ok. AAMIIN cepat aamiin sekaliiii
kbye lagi sekali penat cakap pasal jodoh.

disclaimer : im okay of being single. tak desperate ok. hahahhhah

pinggan dan nasi

pinggan tak retak,
nasi tak dingin,
awak tak hendak,
saya tak hingin!

☺️

Allah itu Maha Mendengar doa doa hambanya.. terima kasih ya Allah atas segala rezeki, ujian dan sebagainya. Hati hamba mu ini sangat rapuh, mudah terjatuh ke lembah maksiat. Bawalah aku ke jalan yang engkau redhoi aamiin

MATI

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